Well it has been, and old proverbs do not die they just get munged, interesting times of late. And like that trouser-filling proverb intends in a fashion, they have not been good ones, but they have been ones…
My wife had her third miscarriage a week ago. I don't actually know why I am telling the world this, maybe part of some effort to feel something more about it. it isn't that I don't feel anything…it isn't that I haven't cried…it is that I still feel numb, maybe a little abused by my own reactions or something…I don't know. So hence I am writing it here. Which is actually just mad in so many ways, but there you go.
Next up it is sad that I pretty much ended a friendship I have had for many years, about seventeen of them in fact, but it is over. A lot of the problem was in fact me, I have changed in that time and in the last few years pretty drastically, but I had some life changes and they can do that to you. Anyway I put this friend through quite a lot and I thought we could make it through the problems we had, but I was naive and all I did was draw out the agony for them. Which was quite shit of me. I didn't intend to hurt anyone, in fact I tried to not hurt people and to make it up to those I felt I had hurt by the actions I took…
(Now for your information I didn't commit a murder or bugger a dog or anything, I fell in love with somebody who ended their relationship to be with me as they had also fallen in love with me. And even though that is wrong, we never did anything until the relationship was over, in fact I never mentioned how I felt until she had told me she was leaving her partner at which point I took a plunge and told her how I felt and she told me how she felt – this is fallout from that, but I had already changed before then as I had ended a very long relationship some months before- and had, understandably methinks, become a different person.)
…but I still failed. I guess that happens. This isn't an excuse or an apology it is an acceptance of what happened.
So, interesting times. Now I have the issue of telling all the other people I know and maybe explaining the same thing over and over again. it is never a fun thing and most likely people will be shocked, maybe upset, and maybe some of them will start to take sides or issue with what has happened…
Personally I hope they give support instead. Mostly because it isn't going to be that easy for anyone and I hate to think I am going to be causing any more distress than I already seem to have done…
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I cant trace time
(David Bowie – Changes)
